I am sooo lazy...

V-Laugh: Baby's DOs & DON'Ts

What Do Idiots Do?

~IDIOT~

"In modern English usage, the terms "idiot" and "idiocy" describe
an extreme folly or stupidity, its symptoms (foolish or stupid utterance or deed)"

"In psychology, it is a historical term for the state or condition
now called profound mental retardation"

Analyse the points below to know if you really are an IDIOT...

1. You spend half an hour looking at an orange juice box because it said, 'CONCENTRATED'.
   
   
2. You put lipstick on your forehead because you wanted to makeup your mind.
   
   
3. You get stabbed in a shoot-out.
   
   
4. You send a fax with a stamp on it.
   
   
5. You try to drown a fish.
   
   
6. When someone money-tips you for your intelligence, you give them their change.
   
   
7. You trip over a cordless phone.
   
   
8. You take a ruler/measuring tape to bed to see how long you sleep.
   
   
9. At the bottom of the application where it says "SIGN HERE", you put "AQUARIUS".
   
   
10. You take 2 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
    
    
11. You invent a solar powered torchlight.
    
    
12. You are aware that 90% of all crimes occur at home, so you move/shift houses.
    
    
13. You missed the No. 14 Bus, and take the No. 7 Bus TWICE instead.
    
    
14. You are at the express way driving to the airport and see a sign that said, "Airport Left". You make a 'U-Turn' and go home.
    
    
15. You got locked in a furniture shop, but sleeps on the floor.
    
    
16. Finally, you spend time reading through the above 15 points, convincing yourself that you did not do any of them.

GOTCHA~ IDIOT!

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

Feeling bored in your workplace?
Here are some entertaining activities to try out...

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
   
   
2. Find out where your boss shops, and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
   
   
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers, and refer to them only by these names.
   "That's a good point, Sparky."
   "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
   
   
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing.
   For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
   
   
5. HIGHLIGHT your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
   
   
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
   
   
7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
   
   
8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
   
   
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
   
   
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
    
    
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
    
    
12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
    
    
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
    
    
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
    
    
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

V-Laugh: OUCH!! That Hurts...

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Sunday morning. The first of the twosome teed off, and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

V-Laugh: Firetruck

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices Little Johnny next door with a little red wagon. The boy is wearing a fire-fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?"

Little Johnny says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck."

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks, mister," Little Johnny says.

The firefighter looks a little closer, and notices that Little Johnny has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles. The boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

V-Laugh: The Untold Chapter of Genesis

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" ... "(-.-) if only...

V-Laugh: Honesty

Little Johnny lives in the country, and he really really hates his family's outhouse, which sits on the edge of a creek. The outhouse is hot in the summer, cold in the winter and always reeks.

One spring day, there's a heavy rain shower and the creek swells. Little Johnny decides to take the opportunity to get rid of that stink shack, so he grabs a sturdy stick and begins pushing it. Finally, he tips the outhouse into the creek and it floats away. (Bye Bye~)

That night, Little Johnny's dad tells him to prepare for a spanking. "Somebody's gonna get hurt real bad!" the father warns.

"What did I do wrong?" Little Johnny asks.

"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today," the father replies. "It was you, wasn't it, son?"

Little Johnny admits to the deed, then adds, "I learned in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get in trouble because he told his dad the truth."

"But, son," the father says, "Washington's dad wasn't IN the cherry tree."

V-Laugh: The Koala and the Hooker

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs onto the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up - shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she’ll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door.

The prostitute jumps up and yells at him, “Hey, you have to pay for that!”

The koala shrugs, and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, “Hey, you have to pay for that. I’m a prostitute!”

She gets up, and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE

(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA

(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

V-Laugh: Catholic School

A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade mathematics to be the challenge of his life. Science? Piece-of-cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! You gotta be kidding me... but Math? Oohh, devastating!!! Not only to him, but his mum and dad too!! It's not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son. Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-ROMs, textbooks, even hypnosis! Nothing worked.

Finally, at the insistence of a relative, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school (with Nuns, weekly mass).

Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt and pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.

They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. When he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped that they had made the right decision. He walked past right them, and went straight to his room - quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours, he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

After school, the boy walked into the house with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table, and went straight into his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside of the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM??!!

Patiently, cautiously, the mother opened the envelope, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red 'A' under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer mentoring?" asked the mother. Again the boy shrugged, "No."

"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?" asked the father.

"Nope," said his son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"

"How so?" asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby on the first day, the first thing I saw was that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign!"